Believe it or not, I sat down to write this post over 12 months ago. The position I find myself in now, is very different to how things were then. I went through a very tough year. The people who cared about me most kept telling me to make sure I “Look after myself”. At the time, I had completely lost sight of what that looked like. I wondered how many other people felt as I did. I was busy being caught up in trying to do the right thing by those around me. I was always conscious of being seen to be using my time effectively, and making sure that I put my family first. I suppose, from the outside at least, I seemed to be successful in what I was doing.
I’ve been reflecting on my younger years a lot (now that I’m 40, i can say that!), and I have a lot of respect for how I made my way through life then. I was probably more selfish. I seized most opportunities. I worked hard to make the most of them, but I still managed to have fun. Was it having kids that changed me? Probably. Our instinct, rightly, is to put our offspring first. But when the concept of self-care goes completely out the window, mental health starts its downward slide.
Trauma, rationality and altruism
A year ago, I was forced to come to terms with some stuff that I never really wanted to face. Some of those experiences have undoubtedly shaped the person I am today. I’ve achieved an extra layer of personal growth, while gaining empathetic insight into others’ experiences as well.
Research tells us that in some instances, trauma can provide some positive, pro-social attitudes, particularly toward those who have experienced similar events (1). The altruistic attitude is undoubtedly one of the more positive aspects of human nature, but the line between supporting others and causing self-harm by ignoring our own needs is thin sometimes. Some individuals will go out of their way to help others, giving up more of themselves than is reasonable, to their own detriment.
A ‘rational’ person might stand on the sidelines and observe the altruistic behaviour of another person impacting their wellbeing, and be able to identify that this behaviour is not healthy. However, when we are caught in a cycle of supporting others to our own detriment, we are rarely aware. This is true whether we are supporting people as part of our job role, and/or whether we support our friends and family outside work. Through my own research, self-reflection, and the experiences and observations of those around me, I’ve come to believe that the thin line I mentioned earlier is called….boundaries.
The importance of self-reflection
Self-reflection – An important concept when thinking about what we need to keep our boundaries secure. Healthy boundaries support our personal well-being so we are able to take care of ourselves and others without burning out. How many of us out there are merely surviving, just making it through each day only to collapse with exhaustion at the end of it?
The most difficult time to engage in self-reflection is when energy, motivation and resilience are low. But this is the time when it is needed most. Self-reflection allows us to identify how we’re feeling, and where those feelings are coming from. It helps us to defend against the negative effects of stress, and build resilience (2). Self-reflection not only bolsters resilience and supports mental and emotional health, but also culivates empathy, so that we are better able to support those around when they need it (2).
Self-reflection can take many forms; meditation, journalling, or mindfulness. It’s important to remember that self-reflection should have a focus and come from a place of compassion, just like it would if you were helping someone else to work through their challenges.
“The most difficult time to engage in self-reflection is when energy, motivation and resilience are low. “
I was reminded recently, that self-reflection should be a habit. Unfortunately, it’s one that I have a tendency to fall out of fairly regularly. I’m sure that many of you out there can relate. To avoid this, try incorporating an act of self-reflection into your daily self-care routine, if you have one. If you’re not sure where to start, here are some suggestions:
- Choose a focus for your area of self-reflection. Has a recent event bothered you, or are you looking to find new ways to express your creative streak? If you’re not sure where to start, try searching the web for journal prompts on this topic. There are lots available.
- Once you have your area of focus, set some time aside for self-reflection each day.
- How would you like to practice self-reflection? You can try a variety of different methods. Journaling, meditation, and mindfulness practice are some of my favourites.
- Continue your self-reflection practice regularly. If you do, it will become a healthy habit that will support you in your personal growth.
The hardest part of any step towards personal growth is the first one. Sometimes, in order to see the way forward, we need to look back. Self-reflection is a simple and effective way of allowing us to reflect on our actions and behaviour. It helps to support long-term well-being, and can improve our relationships with others and ourselves.
- Xu, D., Li, Y., & Ye, Y. (2024). Turning pain into strength: prosocial behaviours in coping with trauma. European journal of psychotraumatology, 15(1), 2330302. https://doi.org/10.1080/20008066.2024.2330302
- Prasko, J., Mozny, P., Novotny, M., Slepecky, M., & Vyskocilova, J. (2012). Self-reflection in cognitive behavioural therapy and supervision. Biomedical papers of the Medical Faculty of the University Palacky, Olomouc, Czechoslovakia, 156(4), 377–384. https://doi.org/10.5507/bp.2012.027
- Gardner, B., Lally, P., & Wardle, J. (2012). Making health habitual: The psychology of “habit-formation” and general practice. In British Journal of General Practice, 62 (605), pp. 664–666). https://doi.org/10.3399/bjgp12X659466